I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Randomize
