Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
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Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
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It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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