My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
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After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
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obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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