Life is so much better after having sex.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
