fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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