my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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