for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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