I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
