Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
