Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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