we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
