I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
