you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
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