I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
