Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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