wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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