i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
