we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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