I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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