I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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