So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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