Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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