i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
