just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
