allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
