I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
