btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
