my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
