This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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