Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
