there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
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And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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