I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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