She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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