What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
mondays should just be called national damage control day
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
