my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
