I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
