piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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