Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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