Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize
