sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage