So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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