i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
