my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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