I'm lost and stupid without you.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
