I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
