ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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