Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
