How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
