i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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