Someone shit on the floor
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
