my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
