dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
