when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
