Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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