haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I love you. Go after that dick
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
