Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My pussy is not your playground.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Randomize
