I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
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