I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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